My spouse and I have been married for several years and we have beautiful children. Beginning some time ago, and following some life events and difficult circumstances that have occurred to us and between us, my spouse has begun suspecting me (and accusing me) of having an affair, trying to hide financial assets, threatening physical harm, wanting to hurt the children, tapping the phone, bugging the house with cameras and listening devices, not loving, planning on leaving for someone else. I haven’t done any of these things. I love my spouse with all of my heart, but this is definitely taking a toll on me. I am now locked out of the house and there is a restraining order preventing me from contacting my spouse or my kids. I remember that when we first met I noticed a slightly paranoia, which now has gone off the deep end (at least with respect to me, while still being fairly rational and normal with everything else.) My spouse will not talk to me at all, throws away my letters, deletes my emails and accuses the counselor we were seeing of lying and now won’t go to a counselor either. What should I do?
It is likely that your spouse may be suffering from a paranoid disorder. This is a condition that tends to get worse over time, since in many cases its underlying cause affects the brain much like a degenerative neurological disorder.
Some people exhibit signs of paranoid thinking at an early age, which may indicate an early psychological trauma. In one typical case, a patient seen for the first time at the age of 16 had a serious head injury when she was 6. She is now 38 and on certain occasion manifests some paranoid symptoms, but is married with three children and has steadily improved throughout her lifetime. It’s a relatively rare but encouraging example of how paranoia can remit almost completely in a supportive and caring environment.
Many patients with serious paranoid disorders eventually divorce their spouses, despite efforts by everyone who cares for them, including their loving spouses, in trying to stop them. The patient’s therapist, minister, friends, relatives and spouse may go to truly extraordinary lengths to try to prove that the paranoid fears are unfounded, but “proof” very rarely has any lasting effect.
Certain medications can help control paranoid thinking, particularly when the person is experiencing schizophrenic or manic symptoms along with being paranoid. In a pure state of paranoid thinking, without any psychotic or manic symptoms, however, medication has been shown to propduce only minimal improvement. Talk therapy is also somewhat unsuccessful, although there may be instances of nearly full recovery.
People who suffer from paranoid thinking don’t give their spouses too many chances to regain trust. It is possible that paranoid patients may let tjheir spouse back into their world again. If they do, it is important to spend as much time together as possible and be completely transparent about one’s activities and whereabouts. The more time spent with paranoid spouses, the less chances they have to imagine what one could be doing behind their back. Also, stress clearly increases paranoid thinking, and when the couple is together there is generally less wondering and therefore less anxiety.
For a while, the healthy spouse may experience singificant stress from all the accusations, and these may even cause significant anger and resentment. But it is useless to argue. Often, what works best is to reassure the spouse of love, and promise to never leave. This may calm the situation, at least temporarily. Also, it is important to call regularly throughout the day. The more of your time given, especially when it is in the form of undivided attention, the fewer symptoms you are likely to occur.
People with a paranoid disorder imagine all sorts of plots designed to do psychological, financial, social or even physical harm to them. Some are dangerous to live with because they are convinced their spouses are planning to kill them. There are documented cases of paranoid patients who have tried to kill their spouses in what they think is “self defense.” Whenever a patient who threatens to kill their spouse, a separation is a must, until there is clear evidence of remission.
If there does not seem to be any danger, the healthy spouse should make every effort to reunite with the spouse. In many case there is a positive response within a few weeks, or at the most, a few months.
It is advisable to make repeated efforts to talk, and when possible, reaffirm love. It is important to always stick to the truth, refusing to go along with any paranoiod fantasies just to try to get along. If the paranoid spouse demands a confession of having done some imaginary transgression, gently state that you would never do anything to inflict intentional hurt. Give regular reassurance that you care and don’t let yourself become so frustrated that you end up saying something that would would contribute to hurt feelings.